I have been in my second Somatic training @ SJL with Staci Haines for the past two days and I thought I had heard it all. All the things about my past, how it had affected and impacted me. I mean its been 13 years that I am on my healing journey and in a position of leadership in all areas of my life but as i well know, the universe always conspires to put those that have chose leadership, social justice, those that have chose transformation and healing themselves and others on the right path. And this means that we will find ourselves in relationships, training's, conferences, and situations that will move us closer to our higher purpose and that is what it did for me this weekend.
Today, I got that when people acknowledge me, when they see me, when they want to express gratitude for something i did, who I am or something I have bought to their life I deflect my feeling onto them and respond as a facilitator. So, instead of responding with a thank you or a reciprocal acknowledgement of some sort, instead I say (and you probably have heard this before), so, how was that for you or good job how did that feel for you to tell me that or no, you did everything I didnt do anything or what did you get out of it or wow, I know that was hard how do you feel? I mean damn, all that and all the person wanted to do was exactly what I complain about all that time is that is see me, tell me they heard me, I made a difference or thank you and sometimes even offer me some unconditional love or something back in return for who i was being that impacted their life.
It gets better , when someone acknowledges me , not only do I deflect but then in asking how are you, what are you feeling etc, I switch positions and put them first , I also dismiss their gratitude and acknowledgement of me and i put myself in a position where its an hour later and I have just processed and facilitated them, leaving me exhausted and thinking hey wasn't this about me, how did I get here. Great!
Remember now, I have been a facilitator of something, someone or another all my life. Translating for my mom, helping her navigate the system in another language, being a teen mom, putting myself through college, being a healer, with friend, in relationships, workshops, programming, directing you name it. So I just thought well this is who I am , I am being humbled and not conceded, collective not hierarchical, a good daughter, partner, mom and leader.
What I wasn't realizing is that in facilitator mode I dont have to be present to my feelings, I get to remove myself from everything and everyone because even though I want to be seen and heard, lead and be on the front lines, be in inter-dependent relationships I really don't. Because bieng seen and heard would mean that I put myself in a vulnerable situation where people can leave me because they dont like what they see. And if they see all of me and then leave then what will this mean about me? What if they dont like what they see , then what? Then it would be my fault just like i thought it was my fault when my mother left me.
So instead, I create an environment so the people in my life, my staff, my children, friends, community, partners etc can be and do anything without boundaries and well if they leave at least it wasn't my fault or because I did anything to them or didn't give them anything?
In reality, all this time I have been working from what somatic calls my condition tendency to let everyone into my life without boundaries, to be their healer, coach, friend, rehab, weight loss program, sanctuary, counselor therapist, midwife, lover, 12 step program etc...in all areas of my life all because I dont want to be seen, so i cant hold acknowledgement because that means that you see me and that's too much responsibility for me to hold as well as too many feelings of abandonment for me to feel. Being seen threatens my sense of belonging and connection, so I am my own facilitator 24 hours a day. I am exhausted!
Are you exhausted? from what? What is your condition tendency? (A reflex reaction out of habit, "auto-pilot patterns formed through experience over time from the past, a conditioned response, your own default setting that kicks in when you unconsciously react to a situation). How does this impact your life and your ability to lead?
Dont Worry 99% of us are reacting to situations unconsciously its the beauty of your bodies innate ability to protect itself even from you. However, this means that we are not being fully present instead we are living in a constant state of the past that may not any longer serve us. At this point we are following, not leading!
Deep "I deflect my feelings"... I know the feeling all to well! I am learning how to reverse or better yet delete the auto pilot tendency. A self-trap that I all to often fall into! Each day we progress and move forward. I need to take time for self to attend a training and continue my own self healing journey. Thank you for sharing, D.
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